Saturday, March 28, 2009

It hurts

Life is like an ebb and most often it’s no accident when things happen in the way that flows kind of setup, sometimes life just hurts and we don’t know why. Sometimes, we have our wonderful rides and everything falls into place like walking in sunshine. I know too that life can turn on a cent and nothing is a guarantee. I also know that bad things don't last forever. I know that while they do last - they hurt. I believe in a Higher Power so that gives me hope.

Last night, I pondered to think of the people I hold dearly in my life and it was incredibly beneficial to me in so many ways. Spending the time to remember the list of names that I wrote and also to appreciate the ones I love dearly. I have a special friendship that transcends time and that no matter how long it had been since we had seen each other; it had not been too long. Who would know the friends we meet who would change our life forever? Who knew that as life changed and we all grew, that we would still be in contact and who would have nurturing friendships that lasted?

I just kept thinking that I am so blessed to have many trusted friends since coming to China. It’s not easy to find people that I could just relax and be myself with. I felt so trusted and accepted for just who I am. It was such a sharp contrast to the friendship that was abruptly ended with someone whom I cannot continue when he doesn’t even trust anyone or even himself. I am amazed that people can consider others "disposable" and just keep moving on. It explains a lot on why this person doesn't have many friends and even though I am terrible grieved at the apparent ending of our friendship I hope he will build more interesting relationships with others if he were to remain ‘Les Manes’. I do wish him well and hope that perhaps there will be some one out there who can be the kind of friend he needs.

Last night was a good night. The cold winter in the city was bearable, which is normally caused to steal you away with a blanket on the couch. But instead, my buddy was visiting, and we had tapas with few Wushu partners, meeting people who know you but you know them as married and closeted with dual lives is an interesting phenomenon, but the weirdness dissipated rather quickly. I'll gush about all these dual-peeps another time though instead I'll just say this: Tony has got a nice taste of why I call my apartment the crack shack when we got to my kitchen he knows where to find the utensil as is everything in my little sphere at the moment is bare minimum. I live in two cities with two homes and I can’t possibly keep a full kitchen when I just dismissed the maid. Would you have a maid who is interested in you, plus with the hope to have a better life with you? Fears of her living in her wild fantasies over my bedroom were enormous. I was very disturbed and glad I made the right choice and decided to handle the cleaning myself while I still have another maid who does the cleaning in Shanghai.

I know this is not even vaguely interesting, but believe me, it's better to read my kitchen and maid rants compared to my social rants. Lately, I have been feeling disappointed in myself, for taking advantage of people that are nice to me. I can kick my own ass but this might make me easygoing in some ways but then I find myself in an interesting conundrum, when pressure exerts when I try to suppressed lust and confuse them with love. I fear I am going to implode, but I would not even know how to go about asking for help but to pray that someone will poke a hole in my exterior.

To the person I love, I think part of the reason that we enjoy each other so much is because we know how valuable our time together is. I hope you know how special you are to me and how much I appreciate that you are a giver who is able to receive and not a taker who isn't able to give. If you have a friend that you can spend time with and not even talk or one who really values you, make sure they know how much you appreciate them.

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